To be honest, I could dress this post up in fancy language and convoluted movie talk… but that doesn’t seem quite fitting when you’re talking about a chop-socky flick that offers a ninja kick to the jaw every few minutes. So here instead are the main reasons you should go see The Raid 2: Berandal, Gareth Evans batshit crazy/insanely awesome sequel, plain and simple…
• The movie strikes a blow for Equal opportunity (in the assassination field): seriously, never let anyone tell you that having a disability (like deafness) will stop you climbing that corporate ladder because this movie proves that if you work hard one day and keep your head down you could totally end up protecting the well-being/inner sanctum of an inner city high-level crime boss. With hammers. And shades.
• It reminds us that kids will be kids: remember those hot Summer days with kids playing baseball in the streets to the balmy backdrop of calls like ‘Run Jimmy Run’ and ‘Hey Mister, give us our ball back?!’ The Raid: Retaliation offers that same sense of nostalgia to make you feel all warm and hazy whilst you sit back and enjoy the show. Although in this particular case, you may find yourself not wanting to give the kid the ball back when he asks. Which is probably a good decision since he’s going to use it to cave your face in. Just a thought.
• It proves that there’s a perfectly valid reason we all feel so vulnerable in public bathroom stalls: We all know the feeling- you check the bowl for any unpleasantness then you double check the flimsy lock to make sure no-one’s going to walk in on you when you’re keks are round your ankles…
It’s universal. Primal even. And The Raid knows your fear. It also knows that you’re afraid for one simple reason. Because as soon as you sit down, a hundred irate sweaty bare-footed Indonesian prison inmates WILL break into your stall and try and punch every square inch of your exposed skin. Ass. Face. Elbow crack. They don’t discriminate, these toilet fascists. And this is basically what waits for you as soon as you drop your guard in a public restroom. It’s just fact. There’s no getting around it. Sorry.
• The film highlights the fact that job interviews will inevitably end with impromptu and uncomfortable body searches: To be honest, this one’s pretty self explanatory. We’ve all had the suspicion that interview questions are becoming more and more invasive as time goes on. And The Raid 2 proves that a strip search will soon be an inevitable part of applying for full time work as much as giving references and explaining a time when you had to take control of a difficult situation. Sad but true, my friends. Sad but true.
• And finally… it gives us definitive proof that the sets of porn films are nowhere near as glamorous as we might imagine. They are in fact and there’s no judgement here- filthy open plan warehouses where nothing but taped up plastic sheeting separates the stars from their weaselly, money-grabbing pimp overlords. Oh, they also apparently employ cranky young women who have high expectations from the men they’re doing from behind. Who knew?!! Anyways please feel free to check out the cast credits for the character known simply as dildo girl, she’ll back up everything I’ve just said.
So there you have it- The Raid 2: Berandal ain’t just your average kick-ass movie experience. It’s educational as well. In fact I’m currently lobbying for it to be put on every school syllabus across the country, from this month onwards. Who’s with me?